Why a Lack of Assertiveness is a Primary Cause of Agoraphobia and How to Effectively Overcome it

Posted by Robbie on November 28th, 2009

If you are agoraphobic, by nature you feel timid and weak. You always feel inadequate.

The truth about most phobias is that what we fear is not what we think we fear.

For instance, someone afraid of heights may actually be afraid of his father. Unfortunately, his fear has been transferred to heights.

So how does a lack of assertiveness translate to agoraphobia?

The bible says “Beware of false prophets who come to you as sheep but inside are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15)

Many who are closest to us may claim to love us but only want to dominate and suppress us. Do not please take this for granted. As your reading progresses, you will see why.

Many parents and guardians have been fingered in being responsible for their wards anxiety.

Many parents are insecure and only feel secure when they hold their children down or have a super firm grip on them. This grip leaves the child confused.

The child is continuously deceived that things are well by the guardian but the child deep down senses the opposite!

Let me give an example.

A woman is now 28 years of age and has never had a boyfriend. The mother says that she does not see anything wrong with that. In the past, the mother was super vigilant in discouraging visitors either verbally or through body language.

The mother also never brings up the topic of her daughter starting a relationship- pretends as though it does not exist. Anytime the daughter brings it up, the mother fakes interest or tells her “Gods time is the best” or “At the proper time, a man will show”. She will never encourage the daughter to be proactive!

The girl is anxious- while the mother fiddles while Rome burns. The more anxious the woman is, the more disinterested or clueless the mother behaves.

To worsen matters, the mother focuses on other issues that really speaking can be overlooked or far less pressing and the daughter must play along as though happy.

The daughter is embarrassed and ashamed of what in reality is a very dreadfully situation while the mother forever keeps on fiddling. Imagine how you would react if your house was on your fire and your friend was only interested in you telling him a joke!

The mother is more than happy to leave things as they are.

The mother appears as sweet as a sheep. Do not be deceived -she is a wolf, the nastiest sort.

The daughter is in bondage and utterly confused!

What will the daughter do? She will continue deferring to the mother thinking that the mother loves her although subtle but very strong evidence tells her otherwise. She will also be made to feel guilty if she stands up to her mother.

The mother is possessive and her neediness is the root of panic disorder that the daughter is suffering from.

In order for her not to fall into this trap, she should trust her own judgments and stand by them and be ready to suffer the consequences. She should thrust aside all her mother’s “misgivings” and stand her ground.

She should also be ready to take risk and learn from them. It will make her a much stronger person.

Most importantly, she should see the mother for what she really is for “the truth will set you free!” (John 8:32)

Have you ever watched “Sam Ford and son” or “Stepsoe and Son?” They provide good examples of manipulative parents- fathers in these cases.

I will advise you to do the following things:

1.   What is your most pressing need?
2.   What need do I think is most ignored or I pretend, studiously deceive myself does not exist?
3.   What are the issues stopping me from facing them squarely?
4.   Do these issues make me look down on myself?
5.   Does this problem make me different from others especially my mates and even younger ones?
6.   Is there anyone ready to help me or sincerely ready to assist me?
7.   Will I be easily discouraged from taking action or do I now fully realize it is my responsibility?
8.   If I am told “be kind to yourself (Matthew 16:23. Please read)”, will I listen to the sweet sounding voice or be assertive like Jesus was?

So if you suffer from anxiety, ask yourself the above questions. Be true to yourself.

If being assertive involves you getting your own flat, then do so. To accomplish that if you are not strong willed enough, find a job in a different city and state you have to move out. Do not, I repeat ever cave in to pressure to stay. You are old enough to get your own place like your mates did years ago and their parent or parents were in worse condition than yours! I say go now!

Many who suffer from anxiety were compelled to make themselves independent of their parents and have eventually gone on to lead lives free of anxiety. I believe that will be your case.

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